"I was looking at Angel's desk looking at pictures from the Valleyfair trips...oh, my God, Katie! You're tiny!"
I'm still struggling hearing things like this.
Especially at work.
Especially from a manager.
She said that to me over three months ago and I started to write this entry, but never finished it and never published it. Why?
I told myself I was dumb and being way too sensitive.
At the beginning of November, we got together with Lee's Dad's side of the family for Grandma Mary's funeral. That in itself was a struggle because she was a great lady. Aside from that (and yes, I'm being totally self-centered...as this is MY blog), the comments really got to me. We don't see Lee's extend family a great deal with us being in Minnesota and them being in Eastern Wisconsin. To be honest, most of them haven't seen me since last Christmas (shortly after I started this journey), if not last May when Becky got married (which was...three months after Lilly was born and I looked like a big, bloated, fluffy whale-of-a-woman).
"Wow, Kate. You look amazing! Have you just lost a ton of weight or what?"
"I can't believe how great you look."
"You look beautiful, by the way."
Comments from aunts and cousins and the last from a male cousin as I was giving him a hug goodbye. I just never know how to take this stuff yet. I generally just blush and mumble a "yeah, thanks" and kind of walk away. I know this doesn't always seem like the most polite thing to do, but I honestly don't know how to take compliments about my weight.
On Friday, one of my co-workers said something to me as I walked by. I thought she called me "skanky" so I asked her what she said. She said, "I said you are so skinny!" It was weird. I don't know. Getting compliments from people who aren't in the same boat I am in...who aren't on this same journey I am...it just doesn't seem comfortable for me. I know that doesn't make much sense, especially for those who have always been around a healthy body weight. I am, for the first time in my adult, near a healthy weight for my body.
How do normal people take weight loss compliments? Am I supposed to gloat and gush about the fact that I don't (generally) eat like crap anymore or that I run my little tail off to do it? Is mumbling a quiet thank you and nothing more acceptable?
I feel like I am, to an extent, more self-conscious now and as I lose more weight than I was when I was bigger. I supposed that I knew how to "live" in that skin. I knew how to own who and what I was. This current ground is all foreign to me... I know there are people out there that just say "be you...be who you've always been...". Well, I have always been a fat girl and I'm not really that anymore, so things have changed...I have changed...
XOXO
